Things that make me wanna kill myself – Part One

I am sure everyone has experienced this at some point or the other.  This happened to me too on more than one occasions.  During the first year of my college, I used to travel by bus.  Since my journey time coincided with the peak hour of traffic, needless to say .. all the buses were jam-packed.   The distance from my coll to home was abt 15 kms and I always carried a huge bag;  so travelling in the footboard was totally out of question.   So I was always cramped in  between abt 10 ppl. 

I am sure u know how the system of standing-travelling in the bus works, but let me explain the procedure for those rich people who haven’t had the luxury of travelling in crowded buses (FYI .. no partiality to rich ppl intended here.) 

For rich people only: 

Bus- drivers are elite class of people, they think that the road belongs to them.  But, of course, you would have seen all this from your air-conditioned cars ..  isn’t it?  So .. you should know that to travel in a crowded bus during the peak hours,  you need to have the stamina of marathon runner,  speed of usain bolt,  agility of Wolverine and the strength of Mike Tyson (and it’s a plus if u know to bite people’s ears too).   From the bus manufacturers point of view,  he assumes that you have all these qualities, and all that he provides in a bus for your support is a rod that runs along the ceiling of the bus.  So.. the only thing that u hang on to (other than your dear life), on that bus is that rod. 

Yes,  so like I was saying,  I was always packed between ten people and there was always a silent war going on among the people to hold on to any part of that rod.  Now,  there are various weapons that people use in this unending war.  My weapon was the huge bag,  all I needed to was turn around and I would be to clear an area with the radius of two people (for those dumb people, please use the formula - pie * Radius²).  It wasn’t that effective but it was the only weapon that I had.  Other weapons that people used included pushing people,  coughing without covering the mouth, stamping with shoes etc.   But the best and the most effective of all was the “stink bomb”.  

This weapon is like a sniper because you got only one shot but you can be sure that once you fire and it hits the target,  the target would be eliminated.   May be u didn’t get it .. but let me explain in detail.  Picture this.  While the struggle is going on for that piece of rod,  it appears as though everyone is doing a Mexican wave.  But instead of looking in the same direction, the people are faced towards each other.  So the origin of this weapon, the source of this odour is right in front of your nose.  I fight, very valiantly for the first 10kms of my journey.  But when this Brahmaastra is thrown at me,  I have no choice but to give up.  I get down from the bus,  long before my destination.  I take in a deep breath to cleanse my lungs, I look up to the sky and I wish I had a gun.  I would have shot myself there – I have been defeated.  

P.S - one might wonder y i didnt use that weapon.  i guess that i wasnt blessed enough. 

A day at the movies

This is a true story (like all the other stories in my blog) and this incident happened to me about two weeks back. Now, for all I know, this could be a very normal thing that happened to me .. and may be I am making too big a deal out of it. But yeah .. this happened to me for the first time and I pray to god that I am never in that situation again.

So, I went for a movie with a couple of my friends (an absolutely boring movie I should say). My friends had got some of their friends with them and I was meeting them for the first time. The intermission came and I was unlucky to be stuck with the most boring guy of the lot. That guy looked very funny too. I would go into description of how he looked like but I don’t want to take the chances of my friend reading it (I know she wouldn’t be reading this .. but why take the risk?). Well, I had no other choice but to talk with that guy. My conversation with him went somewhat like this. Mind you, the actual words spoken by that guy was 100 times more than what is potrayed here.

Me: so, how did u like the movie so far?

That guy (TG): the movie was quite ok. How did u like it?

Me: the movie was boring. May be they could have done the dream sequences in a better way.

TG: see, it was surreal kind of movie. The dream sequences should be like that and you should look at it from 

directors point of view. The director has kept the sequences like that because it was what he thought was best. May be if we take a movie I doubt if we can take scenes like this. U know inception, even that had some weird dream scenes that I didn’t understand but I didn’t say I didn’t like it because I know that’s what director felt it should be and I don’t like criticizing the people who made the movies.

Me: ok, I am going to go get me an ice coffee you want something?

TG: oh, I don’t prefer ice coffee that much. I don’t like ice tea also. What else do they have? Oh that mineral water? I find it too expensive I don’t know how they can sell water for Rs 150 in theatres. Someone should do something abt it.

Me*thinking*: ivan rumba pesuran, na poi line la nikkaren. (this guy is talking too much, I’d better go and stand in the line.)

TG(contd.): these ppl say that mineral water is taken from natural springs. But ..

Me: ok I am getting this ice coffee, u want something?

TG: hmmm I ll have this hot dog. Do u think this hot dog will be good? Do they really put dogs in hot dog? Ha hah ahah. I think I ll have this sandwich. No .. no .. I think I ll have iced tea. Do they have iced tea?

Me*thinking*: dai enna paatha waiter madri irruka, mooditu enna venumo sollu (do I look like a waiter, STFU and order what u want)

TG(contd.): no they don’t have iced tea. They don’t have red bull also. Slice? No. ok then I don’t want anything.

Me*thinking*: Enna kodumay saar ithu !!

TG(Contd.): these outlets in theatres are absolutely useless. They don’t have what u want. They should expand their menu variety and reduce the prices also.

Me*thinking*: nee theatre ku padam paaka variya ella na soru thunna variya .. (are u comin to theatre to eat or to watch a movie?)

Me (finally getting a chance to speak) : yes dude, they should do something about it.

TG: ok, ennaku chuchu varudhu, restroom angay irruku, vaa namma rendu perum polam. (I need to use the restroom, come lets go)

Me: no da, I have this coffee in my hand, so u go.

And so he went.

Now, I dunno if u realized it. But that guy asked me to accompany him to the restroom. Tell me, which guy with self respect does it? Didn’t he for once realize that is the most stupid thing he could ask another man. Does he not care that once you that kind of question it would be mentioned in the blogs (irrespective of whether people read it or not). I mean, Its ok for women to go in pairs (only god knows why they need the company though .. but that’s another story), but for guys ?? seriously ..

Anyway, I think that I have established with enough certainty that “that guy” is an absolute waste fellow. The bigger question to be asked is .. why exactly did he call ask me to come with him there? These are the reasons that I could come with

1. Did he think I was gonna hold his u-no-wat while he was doing it?

2. Did he think I was some kind of expert who would teach him to shoot it in the hole? (no double meaning intended here)

3. Did he think I was gonna suggest a better posture for him?

4. Did he want me to help him groom after his job was done?

I hope that none of the above reasons were true and I certainly hope that no one asks me for company again. And for all the guys reading this, if u need the company u no now that I am the last person to whom u can ask. Despite this, if someone asks me again, I would be writing the same post again but with names. Ha ha ha ha (evil laughter).