Wednesday, November 16, 2011

After all, Its a Dogs world !!!

So .. these days everyone is talking abt animal cruelty n all .. so it makes sense (or nonsense) that I talk abt it too .. the animal that we see most frequently is the dog (no .. I am not referring to ur friends whom u call “naaye”) ..  so lets talk abt dog cruelty for a while.

First .. ppl always konjify whenever there are puppies on the street .. when they grow up ..  ppl will throw stones and say stuff like “intha naayinga tholla thaanga mudilyale”  (these dogs torture is not bearable) .. paavam those dogs are .. you give impression that you like it .. then u throw stones at it .. when it is puppy .. u give biscuits and all .. but after it grows .. u will ignore it ah ?

Also, when v r angry at someone .. v shout naaye and all .. bloody what did that dog do to u ? why are u unnecessarily insulting the dog by calling someone names? If the dog comes to know that u r using its name to call stupid ppl na it will go and commit suicide ..

when u r standing in tea shop drinking tea.. one dog will come and look at you hopefully .. and u will say shoo-shoo go away .. it is looking at you .. thinking that u will buy something and give .. u alone will eat lots of bajji n all .. but u wont give the dog anything ah? it is exactly for situations like this u have tiger biscuits (the only human being whom i have seen eating the biscuit is the kid on that ad) .. it is only 4 rupees and it is available in almost all the tea kadais .. buy one packet and give it to the dog .. paavam .. let it eat that .. 

When the dog is going for bathroom, ppl will always honk from behind and scare the dog .. tell me ppl .. would you like it if someone honks from behind when u r going for bathroom?? Paavam that dog .. it does so much analysis and chooses its spot .. and u do a “beep beep” and nullify the entire analysis ..

Worst of all is when the dog is doing the matter .. all the ppl will throw stones as tho the dog is committing one big sin .. please understand .. dog doesn’t have a bedroom where it can do all these stuff freely .. u don’t have to keep paal and palam (milk and fruits) for the dog .. but at least leave it alone I say .. I think that the main ppl who throw the stones are the people who are jealous of the dog .. cuz the dog is getting it a lot .. that those pathetic losers aren’t getting any .. bloody .. I wish that when these guys are doing the matter .. some dog should come up from behind them and bark .. lets see then .. how these guys feel’nu .. 

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Whats your name?

Everytime I hear abt a knock-knock joke or a sardar joke, it pains me. You know y? its cuz our tamil nadu which created the mighty “mokkai” doesn’t have a joke series of its own. so presenting to you for the first time an emulsifications of the USPs of knock-knock jokes and our own home grown mokkais – Whats your name jokes. I use the work emulsification for the fact that these jokes were as difficult to make as home made mayonnaise with olive oil and egg yolk (I call myself useless chef .. I need to talk about food once in a while.. isn’t it?)

So here goes.
A: whats your name?
B: Ganesh
A: Ganesh na?
B: summa “Gun” maadri answer pannuven
A: appo na tel me the wave equation for De Brogle waves use it along with Hamilton Jocobi equation of mechanics ..
B: Dishkyaaooooon !!

A:What is your name?
B: naalu kku apram varumae athu than 5

A:Whats your name?
B: Santhoshi
A: Sun thochi kaaya podanuma?

A: Whats your name?
B: Harinee
A: Ennaku arikkala .. unnaku arichidhu na .. nee yay sorinjiko

A: Whats your name?
B: Priya
A: *in vadivelu voice* naa ippo preeeya elle .. venum na naalikku cinema povoma ?

A: whats your name?
B: Joshna
A: Joshna?
B: Shahrukh khan nadicha padam. see link here 

A: Whats your name?
B: Anitha
A: honey lam en kitta elle, kada open pannapram poi vaangitu varen

A: Whats your name?
B: Aishwariya?
A: Aishwariya?
B: yaara paathu variya nu kekuray .. na oru kudumba ponnu.

A: whats your name?
B: Indira
A: hey hindi, go .. go .. akka is calling you .. see .. hey hinda ra lethu andi ?
(just incorporating a bit of telugu too .. I guess it didn’t work out anyways)

i guess i ll stop with these ones for now. after all the idea is to let ppl put mokkai with other .. happy mokkai putting !!

P.S .. a lot of names i used here are my friends .. so .. please .. enna unga veetu pillaiya (not pillaiyar) nanaichi manithu vidungal ...

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Show offs

So .. there are a certain group of people who are born just to show off and I have tried to classify them based on my knowledge and experience.

“Cool” bikers
There are a certain group of people that like to call themselves “bikers” and yet .. they have only scooters. Now .. I got a doubt here .. if u ride a bike means u r biker .. but if u ride scooter means u r scooterer ah ?? .. Anyway .. moving on .. yeah .. these people have scooter usually like sunny, scooty, scooty pep, deo, active etc .. these guys sit right behind on the scooter where the pillion rider is supposed to sit. Why exactly do they do it? DO they actually think that we’ll go, “paavam, he must have been racing in motogp before, pity he has to ride a scooty now” ? and for these people, straight roads and lanes doesn’t exist. Its almost like they cant think straight (may be they are gay?).. Morons ..

“Cool” dudes
These are plenty and most common. These are also the easiest to imitate. U know thse ppl when u look at them. They have this weird hair-do and usually a goatee. they always start their conversation with “wassup” and there are lots of “dudes” , “bros” when they talk. Mind you, this culture was actually started by anglo ppl who live in Chennai but the rest are just wannabes. But I am not able to conclude what kinda of wanna be, is it wannabe white, or wanna be rock star .. no one will know.

“Cool” galz
They can also be called as “wannabe dilse manisha koiralas”. Actually most of the girls fall into this. They are the people who always wear a cloth around their head during the day time and wander around (cuz obviously if u see their faces during day time u ll faint due to fear). If u do ask them, they ll say, “en complexion kettu poidum da (hey! My complexion will be spoiled ya)”. Ok this is probably the gayest thing that I have ever said in my life but still I ll go ahead with it. My complexion is better than most people and I don’t find the need to wear an al-qaeda turban around my face. (I am ashamed for having said that..)
Also, the girls these days are maintaining multiple accounts (one boy for mobile recharging, one for movies, one as driver etc.), this also acts as a precaution so that they are not recognized in public.

“Noisy” bikers
Well .. this is a corollary to the “Cool bikers” above. V come across these jerks everywhere .. these are the people who are always blowing (no double meaning intended here) their horn. Its almost like their eyesight is restricted to 5 meteres and they cant see beyond that. You will be standing in a full traffic and this jerk will be constantly honking behind you. What ? does he expect you to fly over all the vehicles standing in front of you. Agreed, I am south indian and I grew up watching Rajni and vijay kanth’s movies (Not to mention T.R too) but obviously he cant expect us to every thing that they did .. no ?

Thursday, August 4, 2011

My Girl .. :) ..

First of all .. i am really dense abt poetry .. i have no idea how it is supposed to be written .. this is my first attempt at writing a poem and yeah .. dont judge my english grammer based on this, itss actually worse than this .. ;) ..

Deep sea, warm sunshine and the beautiful dove,
This is a song about the girl I love.

I always forget my sense of duty,
for I am mesmerized by her beauty.

Gone is the wish for the king’s crown,
When I look into her eyes so brown.

Meadows and pastures don’t seem so nice,
Whenever, wherever I get lost in her eyes.

I would scale any mountain’s peak,
Just to get a glimpse of her rosy cheek.

I see the moon, it has lost its flair,
My girl’s skin, Oh! Its so fair.

Round the world, I would make trips,
Just to kiss her lovely lips.

I keep staring at empty space,
But all I see is her beautiful face.

When she is with me, I lose track of time,
The world around me, its just a mime.

Roses, diamonds, gold and fur,
What would I not give to spend time with her.

I feel as if I am walking on tar,
Oh my girl ! she is so far.

I know that we have been far apart,
One day my dear, I shall win your heart.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Marana MOKKAI !!!

IPL got over a month back. Its only fair that i write somethign abt it. So .. here are some marna mokkais for you. Some are quite obvious, some not so. But then
there is high probability that you dont understand most of it. So dont hesitate to ask me. But then .. that would mean that u got the mokkai .. ha ha !! ..

Q: Which cricketer would be house fly’s god?
A: E. Murugan

Q: When a group of cricketers are having drinks, who will pour the drinks?
A: R(ound) oothappa

Q: who will bring the side dish?
A: Albie Murukkal

Q: If side dish gets over, who will do the refill?
A: Morenee Murukkal

Q: Who is the most miserly cricketer?
A: B Cheaply

Q: Who will arrange music parties when someone dies?
A: K Sangukkaran

Q: Who is the most religious cricketer?
A: D Christian (If you thought A Gilchrist, C Pujari that’s also fine)

Q: Which cricketer would make the best varatti thataravan?
A: P Wallthaty

Q: Which cricketer brings happiness to the animal kingdom?
A: V She-wag

Q: Who would stitch clothes for micro-organisms?
A: Germ Tailor

Q: Who will arrange music party for marriages?
A: PP Ojha

Q: Which cricketer would make the best villain?
A: KD Karthik

Q: Which cricketer would make the best hang out spot?
A: L Mallinga

Q: Which cricketer hands out degrees?
A: MS Dhonee

Q: Which Cricketer is always sick?
A: S Sty-ris

Q: Which cricketer gave his spot so others could play?
A: S Tyagi

Q: Who will always be fighting with his team mates?
A: JP Doo-many

Q: Who can play mens and womens cricket?
A: Mahila Jayawardene
(OK .. I got this from virgin mobile ads.. but what the hell no?)

Q: Who is the only guy to use a womans soap?
A: VVS Lux-man

Q: Who was an inn keeper before playing cricket?
A: B Had-inn

Q: Who are the birds of the cricketing fraternity?
A: V Kohli and J van der Vaath

i could actually think of countless more. i thought enough blood from your eyes for now. if u think others should also feel the way u do .. dont hesistate to pass the word around.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Things that make me wanna kill myself – Part One

I am sure everyone has experienced this at some point or the other.  This happened to me too on more than one occasions.  During the first year of my college, I used to travel by bus.  Since my journey time coincided with the peak hour of traffic, needless to say .. all the buses were jam-packed.   The distance from my coll to home was abt 15 kms and I always carried a huge bag;  so travelling in the footboard was totally out of question.   So I was always cramped in  between abt 10 ppl. 

I am sure u know how the system of standing-travelling in the bus works, but let me explain the procedure for those rich people who haven’t had the luxury of travelling in crowded buses (FYI .. no partiality to rich ppl intended here.) 

For rich people only: 

Bus- drivers are elite class of people, they think that the road belongs to them.  But, of course, you would have seen all this from your air-conditioned cars ..  isn’t it?  So .. you should know that to travel in a crowded bus during the peak hours,  you need to have the stamina of marathon runner,  speed of usain bolt,  agility of Wolverine and the strength of Mike Tyson (and it’s a plus if u know to bite people’s ears too).   From the bus manufacturers point of view,  he assumes that you have all these qualities, and all that he provides in a bus for your support is a rod that runs along the ceiling of the bus.  So.. the only thing that u hang on to (other than your dear life), on that bus is that rod. 

Yes,  so like I was saying,  I was always packed between ten people and there was always a silent war going on among the people to hold on to any part of that rod.  Now,  there are various weapons that people use in this unending war.  My weapon was the huge bag,  all I needed to was turn around and I would be to clear an area with the radius of two people (for those dumb people, please use the formula - pie * Radius2).  It wasn’t that effective but it was the only weapon that I had.  Other weapons that people used included pushing people,  coughing without covering the mouth, stamping with shoes etc.   But the best and the most effective of all was the “stink bomb”.  

This weapon is like a sniper because you got only one shot but you can be sure that once you fire and it hits the target,  the target would be eliminated.   May be u didn’t get it .. but let me explain in detail.  Picture this.  While the struggle is going on for that piece of rod,  it appears as though everyone is doing a Mexican wave.  But instead of looking in the same direction, the people are faced towards each other.  So the origin of this weapon, the source of this odour is right in front of your nose.  I fight, very valiantly for the first 10kms of my journey.  But when this Brahmaastra is thrown at me,  I have no choice but to give up.  I get down from the bus,  long before my destination.  I take in a deep breath to cleanse my lungs, I look up to the sky and I wish I had a gun.  I would have shot myself there – I have been defeated.  

P.S - one might wonder y i didnt use that weapon.  i guess that i wasnt blessed enough. 

Sunday, April 17, 2011

A day at the movies

This is a true story (like all the other stories in my blog) and this incident happened to me about two weeks back. Now, for all I know, this could be a very normal thing that happened to me .. and may be I am making too big a deal out of it. But yeah .. this happened to me for the first time and I pray to god that I am never in that situation again.

So, I went for a movie with a couple of my friends (an absolutely boring movie I should say). My friends had got some of their friends with them and I was meeting them for the first time. The intermission came and I was unlucky to be stuck with the most boring guy of the lot. That guy looked very funny too. I would go into description of how he looked like but I don’t want to take the chances of my friend reading it (I know she wouldn’t be reading this .. but why take the risk?). Well, I had no other choice but to talk with that guy. My conversation with him went somewhat like this. Mind you, the actual words spoken by that guy was 100 times more than what is potrayed here.

Me: so, how did u like the movie so far?

That guy (TG): the movie was quite ok. How did u like it?

Me: the movie was boring. May be they could have done the dream sequences in a better way.

TG: see, it was surreal kind of movie. The dream sequences should be like that and you should look at it from 
directors point of view. The director has kept the sequences like that because it was what he thought was best. May be if we take a movie I doubt if we can take scenes like this. U know inception, even that had some weird dream scenes that I didn’t understand but I didn’t say I didn’t like it because I know that’s what director felt it should be and I don’t like criticizing the people who made the movies.

Me: ok, I am going to go get me an ice coffee you want something?

TG: oh, I don’t prefer ice coffee that much. I don’t like ice tea also. What else do they have? Oh that mineral water? I find it too expensive I don’t know how they can sell water for Rs 150 in theatres. Someone should do something abt it.

Me*thinking*: ivan rumba pesuran, na poi line la nikkaren. (this guy is talking too much, I’d better go and stand in the line.)

TG(contd.): these ppl say that mineral water is taken from natural springs. But ..

Me: ok I am getting this ice coffee, u want something?

TG: hmmm I ll have this hot dog. Do u think this hot dog will be good? Do they really put dogs in hot dog? Ha hah ahah. I think I ll have this sandwich. No .. no .. I think I ll have iced tea. Do they have iced tea?

Me*thinking*: dai enna paatha waiter madri irruka, mooditu enna venumo sollu (do I look like a waiter, STFU and order what u want)

TG(contd.): no they don’t have iced tea. They don’t have red bull also. Slice? No. ok then I don’t want anything.

Me*thinking*: Enna kodumay saar ithu !!

TG(Contd.): these outlets in theatres are absolutely useless. They don’t have what u want. They should expand their menu variety and reduce the prices also.

Me*thinking*: nee theatre ku padam paaka variya ella na soru thunna variya .. (are u comin to theatre to eat or to watch a movie?)

Me (finally getting a chance to speak) : yes dude, they should do something about it.

TG: ok, ennaku chuchu varudhu, restroom angay irruku, vaa namma rendu perum polam. (I need to use the restroom, come lets go)

Me: no da, I have this coffee in my hand, so u go.

And so he went.

Now, I dunno if u realized it. But that guy asked me to accompany him to the restroom. Tell me, which guy with self respect does it? Didn’t he for once realize that is the most stupid thing he could ask another man. Does he not care that once you that kind of question it would be mentioned in the blogs (irrespective of whether people read it or not). I mean, Its ok for women to go in pairs (only god knows why they need the company though .. but that’s another story), but for guys ?? seriously ..

Anyway, I think that I have established with enough certainty that “that guy” is an absolute waste fellow. The bigger question to be asked is .. why exactly did he call ask me to come with him there? These are the reasons that I could come with

1. Did he think I was gonna hold his u-no-wat while he was doing it?
2. Did he think I was some kind of expert who would teach him to shoot it in the hole? (no double meaning intended here)
3. Did he think I was gonna suggest a better posture for him?
4. Did he want me to help him groom after his job was done?

I hope that none of the above reasons were true and I certainly hope that no one asks me for company again. And for all the guys reading this, if u need the company u no now that I am the last person to whom u can ask. Despite this, if someone asks me again, I would be writing the same post again but with names. Ha ha ha ha (evil laughter).

Thursday, March 31, 2011

:-P ???

I see that these days smileys are being used a lot. U have smileys on all social networking sites, on ur fone and on all instant messengers .. for those who don’t know abt smileys (well, if u don’t know abt smileys, then how the hell did u come across this blog??); they are just used to convey the mood of the conversation. For example:

I slept with your girlfriend .. :) means yeah, I slept with your girlfriend and she was quite good.

I slept with your girlfriend .. ;-) means .. I am just kidding .. I didn’t sleep with your gf.

I slept with your girlfriend .. L means .. I feel guilty abt sleeping with her .. (and of course, abt betraying you)

I slept with your girlfriend .. :-D means .. I slept with your girlfriend and it was pbly best thing in the world cuz I can’t wipe the grin off my face.

I slept with your girlfriend .. :-* means .. I slept with your girlfriend and now I want to sleep with you too..

I slept with your girlfriend .. :-o means .. Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Guess who slept with your girlfriend ??

I slept with your girlfriend :-X means I slept with her and it’s the worst thing that could happen to me (even worse than betraying you)

I slept with you girlfriend .. 8-) means we did it on a hot, sunny afternoon.

I slept with your girlfriend .. :-$ .. means she did stuff that I have seen only in movies ..

I slept with your girlfriend ..

<`/3 .. means she said that I sucked (no double meaning intended here)

I slept with your girlfriend .. <3 means .. u can say goodbye to her .. she is with me now (u useless fellow!)

So .. u get the drift .. now I have always been a cyber-freak .. no .. not freak .. err .. cyber-normal guy .. for as long as I can remember .. I have been to internet cafes and paid 50 bucks an hour and I have sat in the cafes for hours. So you can say that by internet aging standards .. I am quite old.. :( .. (see how I used the smiley? .. subtle .. huh ?? ;) .. Whoa! Again .. :-D .. ok this could go on for a while) .. enough abt me. What I wanted to say was, off late there is this new smiley that everyone is using which is à :P. Now .. in all my experience I have never come across this smiley. I have never noticed it on yahoo messenger (yes, this was the most popular thing before Facebook arrived) and I must have chatted with over a 1000 different people my entire life (I have been that jobless and needless to say .. I still am).. and no one has ever used it to me. Ok .. for others who are as dense as I am “:P” is a person sticking out his tongue .. or the American equivalent of “Kaaaaa thu .. ” ..

What is intriguing is that people these days are using it casually in every other sentence. So .. technically (or rather not?) .. if this was taken literally i.e people spitting; half of internet would be drenched in saliva. I was able to figure out the smileys mentioned above (see? .. I gave examples n stuff, I would get full marks for that answer.. ha! ha!) .. but I am still not able to figure out the meaning of :P ..

these were the various instances in which ppl told me that smiley ..

lemme know!!!! :P:P

i dint get an iphone :P:P

just like that only! :-P:-P

lol!!! Good Joke.. :-P:-P

I am comin to ur house tomo :P .. etc ..

Mind you .. these are actually taken from my chats (thank facebook for that ..) and I still cannot figure out its meaning .. or its context. I have thought long and hard about it and I cannot think of any social situation where a normal person (in this case, me) would be required to stick out his tongue. May be you the general public (Am I being too optimistic here ?) who read my blog could help me out .. :P .. or did I just use it rightly now ??